Random thoughts

When memories come haunting me, I do not know any peace. All that I have lost in all my years on this earth hurts me badly. Sometimes I wish I could just format my mind so I could just finally stop crying. Or else to turn back the time and live a bit differently. My grief does not let me move ahead, it does not allow me to live. Time has come when every breath seems heavy and every step weary. Maybe it would have been better if I was a mechanical being devoid of all emotions. But the truth is that I have a heart that gets hurt, that wants to be secure, that wants to be protected from any further hurt. As the tears choke my throat, I wish I was not so emotional. But the truth is that I was, I am and I will always be, getting hurt over and over again.

Learning

Six years and many unanswered question. From the time my mother passed away to now, what remains to be seen is what I have learnt. The void that had formed is still there. I have lost my biggest support, that one soul whose words that everything will be alright, were worth more than everything else. I miss her in all my joys and sorrows, in all my troubles and achievements. While a part of me has moved on, a part still remains there, hanging to whatever remenants of past I could find. I have learnt to cope with my pain and have also succeeded a bit in living my dreams. But still there is a lot that I need to learn. Hope that time will teach me how to move on, though time may not be able to heal my wounds.

Missing my mummy

I have started missing mummy more and more. I don't know if it just loneliness or that I really need her so much at this time of my life. Now I am always dreaming of her and I wake up crying. I wish she was here with me, to comfort me when I am worried but I know that it is just a wishful thinking. I I know that it is impossible to turn back time. Those who leave us don't come back. But there are certain wounds that even time cannot heal. We move on but we are never over the grief. And in extreme joys and sorrows, the heart cries out for those who have a special place inside it.

Loneliness

I wish you were still here
And not just a memory in my brain
I wish I could still touch you, talk to you
And not just see you in my dreams
With time I have lost the things that were yours
And some have just turned into dust
And I need you even more in my life
When I am all alone, when I am all alone

I am not

I am not perfect, but I strive to improve
I am not all knowing, but I try to learn
I am not the kindest, but I seek forgiveness
I am not the strongest, but I struggle a lot
Don't judge me by the fact that I fell
Or the number of times I failed
But judge me based on what I learnt from my fall
Did I pick up and improve upon myself
For if I keep repeating my mistakes
Then surely I am not the one to be trusted

Food for thought

My life is full of memories, some memories that come to haunt, some that bring a smile on a hard day. And they make me wonder what life is all about. Is it about the time spent with family and friends or is it about goals and careers? Are qualifications and jobs the only important things in life? Life is not about making goals and attaining them, earning a particular package and living a particular life. Life is about moments, it is about relations, it is about bringing a smile on somebody's face. Whatever be a person's career or how much he may earn, at the end of the day if he is not satisfied, it is all a waste. If his children go astray, his wealth is worthless. Diseases and hardships are just a test to find out the true worth of a person. Circumstances are not a man's master. Rather, a person should chart his own course, make his own destiny. All he needs to do is to make some effort and set the machinery into motion, the result awaits him after that. But his desires should not hurt anyone else. For a castle built on somebody's tears is not a castle but a mausoleum. His happiness should not come at the cost of another's hopes and requirements. And he should be aware of the fact that this world is just a passing thought and he has to move on. For he is just like millions who passed before him and the millions who will come after.

Missing!!!

Six years back when I gave you your birthday gift, I didn't realise that it was the last time we were celebrating your birthday. I wish I could just turn back time and be with you once again. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but I feel that some pains just grow with time. I never realised how difficult it would be to be part of  every joy and sorrow that came after you. When I was happy, I needed you to share it. When I was sad, I needed you to wipe my tears. In every turn of my life, every new chapter that began, I needed you. And now I need you more than ever. I need you to guide me and I need you to care for me. This is the period when I needed you the most and this is the time I am all alone. When there is so much to come and so much is required, I find myself completely helpless. I wish again and again that you were here with me. Part of my joys and part of my pain.